by stephen warley

Are you feeling stuck?

One of the most counterproductive phrases in the English language in my humble opinion is “suppose to”.

My skin crawls when someone begins a sentence by saying, “You know what you are supposed to do . . .”

Even if they have the best of intentions, my wall immediately goes up. I’m deaf to whatever is said next.

Why?

It gets us stuck. When “suppose to” is used in this context it is an implied obligation. It’s duty-bound. It’s a command. It’s an expectation. It eliminates choice. It’s a dead end. It’s the voice of guilt. It’s unconstructive criticism. It’s pressure to conform.

It holds you back from being your true self.

What’s even worse, how many times have you told yourself, “I’m supposed to do this . . . “?  When you feel you are “supposed to” do something, your source of motivation is external. When you “want to” do something, your source of motivation is internal.

Lifestyle design is all about aligning your purpose with your internal motivation.

The Crushing Guilt of Hearing “Supposed to”

More often than not, it’s even harder to hear a family member, a close friend, someone you admire, a colleague or your boss tell you, “You are supposed to . . .” It triggers feelings of guilt.

You don’t want to disappoint them. You want their acceptance. You want their approval. You want to make them proud. You end up doing what you are “supposed to” even though it’s not what you “want to” do.

By the way, using the word “should” also raises the same red flag as “supposed to” does for me.

When you tell someone they are “supposed to” or “should” do something a particular way, you aren’t considering other viable alternatives or empowering them to discover their own solution.

You are automatically deferring their options to predetermined societal standards that may no longer be valid.

For example, I remember my dad telling me I was ‘” supposed to have settled into a long-term career by now” after I told him I got laid off after working for just five years at four different companies. Initially, I was a little crushed.

Let me give you some context, my dad worked for AT&T for 30 years and for Bayer Pharmaceuticals for 12 years. His generation built their careers from a completely different rulebook than ours.

Rather than feel offended by his comment, I knew his intentions were coming from a good place, but I realized his path in life was no longer even an option, so I had to find my own.

When you feel like you “should” give into a comment like this, remember you are being motivated by external forces rather than being motivated by your own inner voice.

It’s not your choice. You are outsourcing your decision to someone else. You are doing it to make someone else happy without any consideration of your own happiness.

Bowing to guilty feelings in the short term usually results in long-term misery. Been there, done that.

Living Your Life the Way You Are “Supposed to”

Are you working in a job or chose a career because that’s what you thought you were “supposed to do”?  

Have you ever asked yourself where that pressure is coming from? Your parents? Your spouse? Your peers?  The media? An AI chatbot?

Don’t you think it’s time to find a better way to define your career and your identity?

If that pressure is coming from within you, then why are you giving in to this pressure? What is preventing you from what you really to do?

Take the time now to write down responses to the following questions:

1) What’s the work you’ve always wanted to do or what kind of work do you think would be satisfying to you?

2) What are the obstacles holding you back from doing what you want to do?

3) What is a small action you can take to start overcoming the toughest obstacle preventing you from doing what you really want to do?

The only thing you are “supposed to” or “should” do in life is be a good person and be respectful of others. Outside of that, you can do whatever you want.

Otherwise, you are giving up control over your own life and have no one to blame for your unhappiness, but yourself.

I’m not advocating shirking your responsibilities, but rather recognizing the need to balance them against your own personal happiness.

You should (wink) stop giving into the thought “I’m supposed to”. Let yourself have choices. You deserve them.

Create Options Using “Supposed to”

The next time someone starts a sentence with the phrase, “You’re supposed to . . . ” or “You know what you should do . . . . “ take the following actions:

1) First, visualize a red flag and pause for a moment. Take it as a cue to begin a discussion, rather than listen to a lecture.

2) Next, turn the tables. Respond by saying something like, “Suppose I was considering another option? Suppose I did . . . “

That response prevents you from getting backed into a corner. You are letting the other person know there are other valid options beyond the one they think you are “supposed to do”.

3) Don’t get defensive or give in to your guilty feelings. Recognize the concern the other person has for you. Generally, their advice comes from a place of love. Their misunderstanding arises from their lack of knowledge about the type of work you really want to do.

4) Finally, clearly explain your needs and why you are considering other options. Most people only have the best intentions when they are offering their advice. Sometimes they unknowingly present it in the form of a lecture by launching into it by saying, “You’re supposed to . . .”

Sometimes it’s tough hearing someone else tell you what they think you are “supposed to do” when you haven’t figured it out for yourself yet. Take the time to consider your most pressing needs and what makes you really happy.

Bring awareness every time you hear or even think “supposed to”. I know it might sound extreme, but simple language like that is one of the root causes limiting your beliefs about your true potential.

You should stop saying “suppose to” to other people too;)